I never said whether that lunch date came off, the one my ex-lover asked for after twelve months of barely saying a word to me.

Well it did, and it was a lovely hour in her company.

We talked about work stuff, gossip, future plans, slagged off bosses, ribbed each other's foibles and failings. We laughed a lot, smiled about times we'd spent together. Her eyes sparkled, looking tenderly at me. She touched my hand, ruffled my hair. I talked about my last girlfriend, made fun of my inability to hold down the relationship. It was like the last twelve months never happened.

I didn't ask: why did you want to meet me now?
I didn't ask: do you know how much it hurt when you stayed so distant for the last year?
I didn't ask: are you dating?
I didn't ask: are they still trying to find you someone to marry?

We walked back to the office still laughing and gossiping, leaning sometimes on each other's arm. A few texts since. Nothing said that shouldn't have been said, no limbs gone out on... yet.

I met up with a recently-made friend today - a mate's girlfriend who's only known me a year or so. We walked through windy streets, sat in the park and drank coffee while I ran through the five... christ, nearly six... year history of me and my ex-lover.

"So what do you want?" she asks me. "You can't go through all this and just want another affair?"

No. About a year ago, last time we were close, my ex lover said "we could never have another affair, it would mean too much to both of us."

I doubt her situation's changed. I'd be no more welcome in her family now than six years ago.

So what do I want?

Well I know what I don't want. I don't want to be left hanging, texts unanswered. I would give her my love and affection but couldn't stand if it weren't returned.

I want to ask those questions I didn't ask over lunch. Why did you re-establish contact now? Are you seeing anyone? What do you want from me?

One worry - how selfish is she? Behind that smiling, sweet, easygoing conversation, hand laid on mine, does she just want a friendship because she's tired and needs cheering up, even though she knows I would have so much more?